


So They Don't Have To

by skai_heda



Series: The 100 AUs [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Clarke Griffin Deserves Better, F/M, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Love, POV Bellamy Blake, Protective Bellamy, mentions of later seasons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-20 21:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17629718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skai_heda/pseuds/skai_heda
Summary: "Look at me," he begs, and when she does, he wonders how it took him so long to realize how much she'd already broken.Or, Bellamy decides to stop Clarke from spiraling into complete compartmentalization.





	So They Don't Have To

**Author's Note:**

> sorry i kinda altered everyone's favorite scene but this is important

He doesn't feel quite so bad when he wakes up, and he plans to thank Clarke for giving him an extra pillow for the couch.

She'd suggested that he go to bed, but he wanted to be near her.

He opens his eyes and stretches, but freezes when he hears a choked sob.

Clarke sits at the desk with a hand pressed to her face, tears streaming down her cheeks. He's relieved to see that she makes no effort to wipe them away as he stands and walks over to her, but he can tell she's trying to push all those feelings down, erase them like nothing.

The 99th spot has his name on it, and at a glance, Clarke's name is nowhere.

The 100th spot is empty.

~~_I love you I love you please don't leave me to live alone I can't live without you please just stay with me_ ~~

"If I'm on that list, you're on that list," he declares.

"Bellamy, I can't," she breathes, her eyes shining with distress and unimaginable sorrow.

~~_Yes, you can, you can, I'll be there the whole time._ ~~

"Write it down," he orders, staring into her beautiful blue eyes, once so bright and warm. "Write it down, or I will."

She looks at the list and shakes her head, and Bellamy reaches for the pen. He writes her name in all capital letters, and that's exactly when he knows it's written all over his heart, too.

The rush of love and want and need for her scares him a little, but he doesn't care.

"So, what now?" she asks, her voice hoarse from silent tears.

"Now, we put it away and hope we never have to use it."

"You still have hope?" she asks, and Bellamy watches her tears disappear, and for an absurd moment he's angry, angry that Clarke always pushes all her feelings away.

"We still breathing?" he asks, because as long as Clarke breathes, he breathes, too.

He puts a hand on her shoulder and massages it a little, trying to ease her, trying to show that someone in this godforsaken world still cares about her. She puts his hand over his and presses her face to it, and Bellamy's face twists for a second, because he just wants to cry, cry for her, for himself, for every life he hasn't saved and every horror the world is pushing onto them.

He almost just tells her to get some sleep and then walks away, but he doesn't. He crouches beside the chair Clarke sits in, and takes her hand.

"Bellamy," she says, sounding so hopeless and so broken that Bellamy can feel physical pain in his chest. "They all count on me and they never know how much it hurts me to keep them all alive-"

Bellamy reaches up to wipe tears away from her face. "Hey, Clarke. Clarke. Look at me," he begs, and when she does, he wonders how it took him so long to realize how much she'd already broken.

Her eyes meet his.

"I trust you," he murmurs, bringing her hand to his lips. "And I'm glad you keep us all alive. And I want you to look at me and believe that I'll stand by you no matter what happens."

"I left you," she says. "I betrayed you. And now every choice I make is wrong."

"It's not," he implores, his lips brushing her knuckles as he speaks. "You're hurting and I just want you to talk to me because you're..."

Bellamy sighs. 

"You're my best friend, Clarke."

Clarke takes a shaky breath. "Bad decision on your part, Bellamy," she says, shaking her head as tears continue to fall down her face.

Bellamy cups her jaw with a hand. "Clarke-"

"It's so lonely," she says quietly, cutting smoothly across his words despite her erratic breaths. "I do everything for all of you and I keep pushing my own feelings down because who would ever care? Everyone who cared either died or started to hate me-"

"I care," Bellamy interrupts.

Clarke looks up.

"Can't you tell, Clarke?" he asks, his fingers brushing her cheekbone. "I would follow you into hell if you asked me to."

Clarke takes a deep breath.

"So maybe you can't talk now," Bellamy continues. "But every bit of hurt and all the pain- I'd gladly take it all for you, Clarke. And I see how much you do for us and I see how much it hurts you when people continue to act like you're the bad guy. You're not the bad guy."

"I'm not the good guy, either," she murmurs, and then she falls apart in his arms, sobbing into his shoulder. "I deserve nothing."

"Clarke," Bellamy says, pulling away and wiping her tears away. "You deserve  _the world._ "

_Do it, Bellamy._

And he leans forward and brushes his lips against hers.

Her lips are soft as he captures each of them in between both of his own, and he's tearing himself apart. Clarke might still be mourning Lexa, hell, even Finn Collins, too. But he knows, to the core of his being, that he needs her, and the fear that she doesn't feel the same way he does is drowned by the overwhelming relief of finally kissing her, even if it was no longer than a few seconds.

"Why did you do that?" Clarke rasps.

"Because I wanted to," Bellamy says, his head pounding.

And then, Clarke's kissing him, her hand burying itself in his hair, her kiss deep and gentle and certain. She still cries as Bellamy pulls her into his lap and tightly wraps his arms around her, but Bellamy is there to dry her tears, he's there for her.

He picks her up and carries her towards the bedroom, lying down and then pulling Clarke close to him. They just kiss each other again and again for a while, her arms wrapped around his body and her leg thrown over his. She kisses every freckle on his face, and he kisses all her tears away.

They lie together for a long time, her head on his chest, his hand under her shirt and resting on her bare back.

He doesn't know it, but it will be the last kisses they will share for a long time.

And later, as he sits in front of a window, and watches a planet burn, he will swear upon every god he's ever heard of that if he'd known then that he would lose her, that she would give her life so he could live, he would've told her that he loves her, that maybe he loved her since the start.


End file.
